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Safe, Loving Feelings Following Domestic Abuse

What's this new feeling?

It feels so strange?

Where's the snake in the grass?

Surely It wont last, I'm going to be caught out?

Does this sound familiar? If yes read on.....

If you have experienced things like domestic abuse, as an adult or even witnessed it as a child growing up then this would of become your 'normal' your 'familiar'. Being in an environment in which you are on high alert, waiting for the next hit or emotional attack leaves you preparing yourself, almost bracing yourself in hope you can protect yourself from more hurt than the last time! Always hoping you can be one step ahead yet the only thing that's ever certain is the 'good behaviour' never lasts! Any time you experience the famous 'good behaviour', in which time the abuser within the household offers kindness, is calm and not reactive, you try your best to embrace it and even tell yourself how wonderful it is but all the while you are looking for the snake in the grass and preparing yourself for the next hit.

On a conscious level we can rationalise and tell ourselves we want the happy, the safe and the genuine love, we may even know what it looks like from an outside point of view but unconsciously we have no clue what this actually feels like. Therefore we search for what's familiar because with the familiar we feel safe because we know how this goes, we know what happens and we know how to feel. But is it really safe?.....NO!!!!

No its not safe, despite seeking it out, its as if there is no choice, as if we have been programmed to seek out the familiar, not the true safe. But like any programme it can be wiped and re-written.

For what ever reason in childhood you may have been taught as part of your programming that you have to take the tiny happy moments but constantly prepare and look out for the next blow. To quote a truly incredible women; Donna Joy Usher, we take these tiny happy moments, accepting these tiny crumbs and polish them to make them gold! But they are just crumbs!!! We make them into gold because this helps us to feel safe, helps to feel like we have what we deserve yet all the while we are in a consent state of suffering, settling for less than we deserve and not living our life to the fullest! Often you will be giving gold and only getting tiny crumbs!!! its okay to ditch the crumbs!!

We as human beings seek out the familiar no matter how much suffering this causes - but your familiar can change!!!

It is not your fault!! Its just your programming from childhood, and this can be wiped clean, rewritten, and you can make the rules, build new foundations and start a fresh!!

By embarking on your own therapy journey to get to the root cause of your unhealthy programming you can begin to unpick it, process all the emotions associated with it and begin to create your very own brand new program.

When you are ready, when it no longer becomes about getting your ducks in a row and coming to the realisation that this just isn't right anymore then that's the time you truly start setting yourself free! Naturally we have a wonderful habit of finding (excuses) reasons not to do something but the truth is there will always be (excuses) reasons not to do something but the question is are you ready to overcome this and just trust it will be okay and that you have the power to figure all this out??!! If you have come this far, then YES!! YES you can do this!! Reach out to a suitable therapist and work on yourself, the rest will naturally come to when the time is right!

We don't have to know the destination and see the entire path all we have to do is see the first step

So these safe feelings!

When someone comes into your life, a potential partner following a life of unhealthy programming which you have begun to rewrite you will naturally have the ability to spot the wrong ones a mile off but what happens if someone isn't a wrong one and things progress?? Well this takes time and is a learning process, so its important to take all the time you need, the right ones will understand and support you along the way.

So you start feeling things for someone, things you may not understand or have experienced before. You may find yourself looking for that snake in the grass, you may find yourself doubting the good feelings and waiting for the hit. You may even find yourself putting up walls, pulling away or making excuses as to why you are not good enough. This is all very common and normal, it takes time to open up and let someone in.

These are just old familiar patterns of behaviour, but the key is to notice them, acknowledge them, then take time to sit with the feelings, asking yourself if there really is a snake in the grass, you may find journaling your thoughts and feelings during this process helpful or sharing with your therapist or a trusted friend about how you feel, sometimes its all about saying these things outload. And just remember its all okay, you are on a learning journey, learning to accept these wonderful safe feelings you have not yet experienced. Its very much like taking a polar bear from the ice and putting it in the desert....its unfamiliar!

Our head is very good at taking over, often overthinking such things, so its important to get out your head and just feel, feel from the heart. Often its like an octopus stretching out its tentacles, you may stretch out and test this feeling then retract back in at first! Its okay, its a learning process and each time you will stretch out further and for longer.

The more you work on yourself the more you can trust in yourself, trust your gut instinct will keep you safe! So turn up the volume on your gut instinct and trust those feelings, feel that love, feel that safety and trust you know what's best for you. This is the time to go with the flow, trust in yourself and start accepting the love that's on offer. If it feels right to you then its time to trust in this safe feeling and embrace where ever this may go. You not only wanted it and dreamed of this but you so deserve it!

So you are still a working progress, you have wobbly bits, scars you would rather keep hidden, a chapter in your life story that's painful, you don't have the job your are working towards, you don't have the money you want, your home isn't how you want, you have a child you are trying your best by, your car breaks down all the time, you cant afford couldn't imagine letting someone in to see all these things??!!!! STOP!!!

If someone can't accept you when you are 'invisible' then they don't deserve you when you are 'visible'.

The true safe person, the person that truly loves you for you will not care one bit! They will accept, love and embrace you as you are today, imperfections and all!!! So even though you may see yourself at the 'invisible' stage, working hard on yourself and building your life up, someone who truly loves you will love you no matter what stage you are at!! The truth is we first have to accept ourselves for who we are, the rest naturally falls into place.

If everything you ever wanted has just entered your life, and is being presented to you in a safe, loving, honest way and all you have to do is take it - TAKE IT! GO LIVE YOUR DREAM, FOR ITS NO LONGER JUST A DREAM!!


I work with people who have experienced domestic abuse, offering a safe, non-judgemental place for you to embark on your own therapy journey. Using all my experience to help you no matter what stage you are at:

I highly recommend the amazing Donna Joy Usher and her podcasts, who are free for all to listen to. Her podcasts are full of insightful information and are very easy to follow, she puts her heart into each one and its so easy to relate to.

Thank you for reading! Feel free to share on!

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